2.12.2013

Feeling A Lot Like This Lately...



My heart has been a mess lately...raw, fragile and too tender to write or share beauty. And while this heart place feels strange and uncomfortable, I know this is where growth happens...where real beauty is found. I'm in that hard but good place.

What I really want more than a dreamy farm life or a beautiful home is a heart that's fully alive and authentic. Life to the full, remember? That's part of why we moved...why we jumped off the cliff of familiarity and safety and chased this crazy dream!

But getting to that more alive and authentic place in my heart is hard work. Lots of layers, messes, wounds and tight grips to work through. Maybe for some of you the journey isn't so challenging, but for a girl who has used perfection to control the mess, heart excavation doesn't come easily. It's messy and uncontrollable, like it or not! {A mess of happiness in the end...so I'm told!}

Remember that Bible study I told you about...the one where I didn't know a soul and almost turned around and went home? I fell apart there today. The teacher sensed there was someone in the room who needed prayer, and I knew God was talking straight to me. So I sat down on the floor in a little ball like a scared little girl and let the teacher place her hands on me while people prayed...not about me...not for me. Most in the room don't even know my name. But God does. The Spirit of God was at work as that beautiful God-loving woman held my hand and let me cry while others prayed about things completely unrelated to me. And another woman who placed her hand on me? Her son has incurable cancer yet has decided there's nothing that matters more in this world than living each day to the full. I was a sloppy mess when it was all said and done. Just ask the sweet woman who offered her phone number if I'd like to talk...and the woman who shared her counselor's phone number if I'd like to talk some more! {I've been through counseling and will do it again if that's what it takes!}

It feels so risky to be a mess...to let people see your mess. I don't want to be that girl. But when I think about it a little more, I do want to be that girl. I want to be the girl who lets God into her mess. {And you can bet that if you aren't letting others into your mess; you aren't letting God in either.} I want to be the girl whose heart is free to really live!

There may be some quiet days or weeks here on the blog...not because I'm trying to hide my mess from you, but because some parts of the process just feel too sacred for a computer screen. I love capturing beauty with my camera, but right now, I don't want to miss the beauty hidden in my mess. Thanks for understanding...and for being so loving and encouraging whether I have a lot to say or nothing at all!

Love and hugs,
P.S. As Valentine's Day approaches, I've got this verse on my heart. Did you know there is One who says "BE MINE" to you every single day?

~ Isaiah 43:1

20 comments:

  1. Sweet Linsey...I love your transparent heart and your willingness to let us journey with you. I love your heart after His heart! May our Father touch the deepest places with the sweetest mercies and refresh you. You are a treasure.. a rare gem!

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  2. My friend, you are not alone. God loves you and is working through that uncomfortableness you feel and the reason you feel a "mess" is because you are feeling his never ending love for you. You are right. You have allowed yourself to go there, to feel the true living, the true love, which indeed is God. That feeling of God's love can bring you to a feelig of overflowing tears. I am someone too who has always strived for perfection never allowing myself to fail. Then one day my perfect house of cards came tumbling down and I found myself a complete mess. But I also found my true identity as God's beloved child. You know Linsey that you are God's beloved. He is working in and and through you in this time in the wilderness. In this journey, especially at this season of Lent, imagine that your feleings were just as Jesus felt when he was sent into the desert for 40 days. He understands and is there with you. You had a similar experience during the season of Christmas when you were able to connect to the lonely feelings of Mary as she traveled to Bethleham to give birth to God's Son Jesus. God is using this for something really wonderful that he is revealing just to you. You are a blessing to others in sharing this because you allow others to know they are not alone in their feelings. You are in my prayers.

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  3. Dear Linsey, I have stumbled upon your blog tonight for the 2nd time in 12 months. How strange that I meet you again - accidentally (?)....I read your post from today and I feel your yearn and hunger to be right and open before God your Father, before the Holy Spirit who beckons you, before Jesus your friend. I know it because I felt it just two days ago myself. I am allllllllllll the way over in Australia. And you in America. I share your love for God and I know his permanence, his "I'll be there no matter what you do, or how you act, or what you say." Struggling deeply jut recently, I found myself swearing under my breath and then turning around to God and saying "Will you still comfort me even though I just did THAT!" I needed consoling, comforting, taking away to another plane, far from where my emotions were. And he DID. Through my persistence in wanting to be elsewhere he took me away and I listened and he was calm and gentle and not 98% right, but 100% right in his words to me. The enemy shares things with us that are 98% truth and it smells right and can even taste right sometimes - but I know that there is something not complete about what he says to me. From John 5:19 I glean the following: Spend time with the Father. Hear from the Father. Only do what the Father is doing - then you can't fail. You'll recognise what are other people's expectations and what are God's. This will remove any sense of yours or other's expectations that are not right and leave only God's. Don't listen to condemnation - that's the enemy. And Galatians 5:1 - "It is for FREEDOM that I have come." Hallelujah Linsey! I need more freedom!!!!! Do you know this acronym? "F.A.S.T" Faithful (bout most of the time) Available (yup most of the time) Servant hearted (mmm, most of the time) Teachable (so hungry for the truth, I am trying to be most of the time). I am never any of these things all of the time. My horrible day involved marriage stuff, fitting in, where do I fit in. And just now? The Holy Spirit has does beautiful things in both my husband and myself. Take your time Linsey, no one is pressuring you. Hugs from all the way over here. Gnite. Jane xx (If you want to write any time, leave me a message on tour church's FB page VINEYARD CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIP BRISBANE WEST or email.)

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  4. sweet friend...thank you for sharing. i know that overwhelming feeling when others just love on you while you don't feel like you have anything to give back.
    we're right here...praying for you and sending big hugs to your beautiful sweet heart
    xo

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  5. What courage it took to share this! As you know, you are God's child and he will take care of you. Hang in there, and let your heart heal. Your readers will all be here when you decide you're ready to write a post or share photos. Take care of yourself and your family.

    Praying and sending love your way.

    Emily

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  6. My heart and love going out to you friend. You have such a beautiful spirit. God is so good and has purpose for all of our pain. I am so glad to know that you have hands that can lift you up, and I am proud of you for being vulnerable with this group of women and in this space on your blog.
    I will be praying for you...

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  7. Love some of the truths you wrote here linsey! Especially the part about inviting God into your mess! He IS ABLE to do exceedingly for than we could ever ask or think right?? Hang in there! God's got you just where he wants you! xoxo

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  8. Your posts always come at the perfect time! <3 Take all the time you need. We will be here when you are ready. In the meantime, praying for you.
    xo
    Jamie

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  9. Thank you for sharing this. It takes so much courage to put yourself out there and expose that sometimes everything is not ok. You should be so proud of yourself as I feel you and I are very similar. Remember you said "two peas in a pod", well It seems on many levels we are. More so than just stickers and chalkboards :) I always feel this pressure to only show people my "best". I have even called to apologize when I have broken down in front of friends. Thankfully they were precious friends who told me to never ever apologize for sharing my feelings and allowing them to carry some of the load. Thinking of you...

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  10. love your heart...
    love that you are surrendering parts of your heart that you've been holding onto.
    love that you half a safe group of women to unfold in front of.

    praying for you...this is good stuff. hard but good and necessary. no worries, it's happening over here, too, which is why i haven't blogged a ton. :)

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  11. I don't always have the opportunity to read your blog, but just sat down to catch up a bit on my blog reading and was touched by your transparency. It is always a beautiful thing when we release ourselves to be a sloppy mess before our Father and empty ourselves, lay our hearts bare before him. A cleansing freedom is found when we come to the end of ourselves and allow Him to fill us with with His Spirit...His love...His peace. May your beautiful, sloppy journey in this season continue until you experience more of His fullness and love, peace and joy unspeakable.

    en Agape,

    Victoria in Texas

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  12. God with God and know that my prayers go with you. Best wishes!

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  13. I meant to write "GO with God." So moved by your honest post I couldn't write...

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  14. Linsey,
    Isn't it great to be in the middle of a great breakthrough! You've already taken the first step and now the "mess" is surrounding you. It would be easy to look back and wonder if it was the correct decision, but then you wouldn't be present to enjoy and grow. Imagine what a wonderful guide you will be for that someone who will cross your path and need your experienced perspective. I can't wait to see your feelings through photos. We'll all be waiting here on the other side.
    On a side note: for Valentine's Day I plan to think about and pray for all the Newtown parents and families. Imagine how they feel as they pass the decorations and cards in shops. My heart it full and I'm happy to share.

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  15. Linsey, I am thinking of you and passing along a psalm that came to mind, "when my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the rock that is higher than I". Keep your dreams big and worries small as God is with you wherever you go. Hugs, Julie

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  16. Love you for sharing! Beautiful messes are part of life, whether we like them or not. This is God's way of keeping our focus on Him.

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  17. Love the image of those women praying for you, surrounding you with tangible hands of God's love. Powerful to be vulnerable and let down those walls, but oh, so hard to do. Praise God for the discernment of the teacher and your willingness to respond. Prayers for your peace.

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  18. Dear Linsey,
    I always come here at just the right moment, not by chance I think, but by God.
    I too am struggling lately, and I never feel like I can open up and share my difficulties and fears, that's why I am so in awe of you and think so much of you for sharing the good and not so good!!
    Many prayers heading your way and thank you for being so open to us all!
    Sincerely,
    Melinda

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  19. Praying for you. Thank you for sharing your mess, yes we do all have them.

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  20. I've been that ball of mess curled up before and it's hard even when you feel the warm hands of help on your shoulders. Praying for you, praying you find peace. God put you in a beautiful spot of his country to help you. Bless you and your family. Katey

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"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one." ~ C.S. Lewis

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